21st Century Black Woman

For the last couple of years, romantic relationships have become a popular topic of discussion across social media. One of my grievances with the way love is examined is the reinforcement of traditionalist and regressive gender roles. These discussions completely turn me off from participating in the long winded debates: “Who’s the prize?; “Who should make the most money?”;  and “Why the modern woman can’t keep a man?”  Many choose to dwell on the superficial upkeep of maintaining a partnership. 

I believe it’s time to use different assessments to discover why dating seems mentally taxing. Recently, my friends ( other black women) and I were talking about why dating black men can feel like an obstacle. We concluded that one reason is the apparent education gap between black men and women. When I researched this gap, I was shocked to discover how large the divide was. I learned that 38 percent of black women obtained a college degree, while only 26 percent of black men have done the same.  As a woman who grew up in a middle class family, I try to be cognizant of the privileges that I’ve been afforded; receiving a quality education was one of my many privileges. These disparities do make a difference when it comes to dating. I don’t want to engage in elitism and classism, but this is a painful fact to admit. There is an undeniable correlation between differing educational backgrounds and its effects on romantic relationships.

As I’m getting older, I’ve reflected on my past relationships in order to avoid making the same mistakes. While reviewing my past, I’ve been able to pin some of my ex-lovers’ wrongdoings on their lack of education. I vaguely remember an argument that occurred with one of my exes right before I went away to school. He stated that I was pathetic because I was preparing to go to college. As a teenager, these verbal blows seemingly came out of nowhere. Up until that point, I believed that I had his support about my decision to attend university out of state. At the time (and even as I began to write), I felt a tinge of guilt because I believed he deserved the opportunity to explore his options in higher education. I recognize that feelings of jealousy in a partnership are not uncommon. For most men within our patriarchal society, achieving milestones such as going to college and creating avenues to make money are pedestalized. Inversely, the patriarchy is not fond of women having access to more resources (including education) than their male counterparts. I wonder if my ex lashed out because of the covert expectations placed upon him by society. And make no mistake, I know that college isn’t meant for everyone. However, I do think young adults should be afforded the chance to explore an environment away from their hometown. For many, attending a college a couple hours away from where you grew up is the most popular and accessible way to achieve this.

Additionally, I question if the political divide between men and women is linked to the education gap. Attending college has a notable impact on your view of the world around you. Being able to interact and create relationships with people of different races, sexual orientations, backgrounds, and religions has the ability to reshape your once limited perspective. Young adults are able to shape their own views for themselves, with no interference from home. The opportunity to attend critical race theory and gender study classes reconstructs many students’ preconceived notions surrounding those topics. While this may not be afforded to students at every college, they are common courses offered at many universities. For boys, especially black boys, there is a social incentive to upkeep the harmful practices of toxic masculinity to avoid becoming marginalized by their own peers and community at large. Black men are viewed as the pinnacle of masculinity by many. Engaging in misogynistic, homophobic, and crass behaviors ensure black boys and men aren’t straying too far from the norm. However, black girls and young women in their age groups are becoming more educated and progressive in their thinking. A lot of young black women who were exposed to feminist theory and ideas of equality are not looking to partner with men/boys that adhere to the complete opposite spectrum of their values. I know that college institutions aren’t in the business of breeding radicals. However, education about the effects of misogyny, homophobia, and the patriarchy influence young minds to become vehemently against these issues. Young black women are unlearning various conservative ideals, while many young black men aren’t. Because of this divide, there is a conflict of interest in relationships. While black women are becoming more liberal, some black men are clinging onto traditional (and sometimes destructive) values. 

Obtaining college degrees typically ensure more opportunities to achieve stable jobs and careers. Black women becoming the most educated group within the black community has caused some friction within the dating pool. I believe this is reflected in the debates that I mentioned earlier. Discussing which partner should make the most money in a heterosexual relationship is a common talking point. Having the most access to education, and in turn high earning jobs, flip the expectation of their gender on its head. As I stated earlier, the patriarchy expects the man to make the most money out of the two in a relationship. Without this expectation being met, men can feel like they are denied their “manhood”. Whether we are conscious of this or not, these issues in our society greatly impact what the media pushes out. Instead of adapting and talking honestly about how this change of gender norms impacts relationships, I see many of us talking in circles. We could utilize these platforms to discuss how relationships may look moving forward. We could explore the discomfort of the new dating landscape. Granting people an open and honest safe space to navigate relationships in an ever changing world would be beneficial. The black community could find ways to emphasize being in a fulfilling and helpful partnership, outside of gender roles. Instead, many people cling to a patriarchal fantasy. Many speak highly of a time where women and men “knew their place.” Due to the deep desire for traditional expectations of gender, black women have become demonized for their educational and monetary accomplishments. 

Admittedly, my attempts to discuss  the trials of dating as a black woman is frustrating. I believe that black women deserve peace in our romantic relationships. Many of us striving for and achieving higher education is a testament to our tenacity. At times, I’m fed up with the dating pool many of us are faced to wade in. However, I feel empathetic towards both black men and women. Black men notably are denied access to their full array of emotions because of their upbringing under toxic masculinity. Their insecurities about becoming obsolete within romantic relationships sometimes come out in ways that are unproductive and, at worst, violent. I think back to how my ex lashed out at me. I believe he should have been held accountable for speaking to me the way he did at that time. Nevertheless, I wonder how much more tender and controlled that conversation would have been if he’d been taught to use his emotions in a productive way. Or maybe if he had access to the education that I did. Would he have been able to recognize the error of his ways? All young black adults deserve a chance to explore different experiences of schooling. Learning and becoming educated is a gateway to healing. Unlearning toxic behaviors are the key to a harmonious environment. Hopefully there’ll be more initiative to encourage young black boys to educate themselves. Maybe then young black women will not have to suffer at the hands and words of their partners, and young black men won’t cause their own suffering because of ignorance.